IFPA stands for Imaginary Festival Promotional Article.

SOSPA will explain itself eventually.

IFPA:

Something’s in the air–and it’s not just the fact that all the mint my mom plants mysteriously disappears (along with tell-tale dirt next to the pot).

Something much bigger is going on.

It’s time for the (now) annual Imaginary Festival. And if you don’t know what that means yet, don’t fret. There’s plenty of time to learn. After all, one of the themes of this year’s Imaginary Festival is Procrastination. Good news for those people out there who put off their work until the last minute: you can attend this year’s Festival without worrying about not finishing your work (not that you do, do you?). You can work on the putting-off bit at the Festival and come home all prepared to actually start.

And if you’re not ready, there’s always a chance to bring home some souvenirs.

This year’s Festival also offers plenty of other things to do. Come early in the mornings (and by early, we mean some time before 2pm, please–it’s not fun to be too late) and see if you’re one of the lucky winners to the daily Early Bird Giveaways. Prizes include secret codes to pretty blue colors, pop-up chibi pictures, and the extremely coveted chance to spend a day with the imaginary friend of founder Emma Jinery. According to inside sources, pixelated cookies are also offered, but only on select days.Hmm, I wonder on which days? (Here’s a hint: another of this year’s Festival theme is 25.)

If you’re not an early riser, there are activities you can indulge in as well. If you’re an adventure-seeker, you can participate in the Imagining-There’s-A-Parachute-Where-There-Is-None-When-You’re-Jumping-Off-A-Plane. You get to imagine your own color and brand of parachute! Imagine that (no pun intended). Unfortunately, the part where you’re jumping off the plane isn’t imaginary so far, so if you have a weak stomach (or if you don’t have an exoskeleton, real or imaginary) I would not recommend this game.

If you would rather participate in the more creative (and much more imaginary) task of telling stories, then you absolutely have to come to the Horror Hedge. Located in a dark, suspicious part of the Festival grounds, right next to the famous hedgeworks, the Horror Hedge is where the truly creative congregate every year (well, starting now, that is) to add their part to the scariest, most bone-chilling horror story of the year. Beware: not all of the identities of the guests to this event are verified, so the Festival makes no guarantee that any details are completely imaginary. They just shun upon using real tidbits.

If you’re just looking for a traditional Festival where you and your family and friends can have fun, then there is no better place to look than the Imaginary Festival. Not only do they offer delicious made-up sugar cones (I couldn’t stop myself from having two, and had to procrastinate about exercising afterward to shed those imaginary calories), cinnamon-sprinkled air, and delicacies such as the invisible punch, this year, Cam Pletephic is bringing his world-famous Fairies-on-a-Rod. Don’t worry, no real fairies were used in making these treats, but they’re delectable just the same. (That is, if you can figure out where you should bite, as you can’t see them either.)

Other special events at the Festival include Imagining-Your-Dream-Home, Paint-Your-Nails-Groange, nightly dances, and so much more!

If you have not already planned a trip ages ago to some boring place like Meidop Island or Fyk Shunol City, come by the Imaginary Festival before the Procrastination Period is over and this year’s Festival officially ends!

Events free-lance writer Fann Tashy

(DISCLAIMER: Neither this publication nor the writer of this article is affiliated with any of the events and activities aforementioned and will not be responsible for any loss, damage or otherwise incident resulting from reading and/or acting upon this article. Copyrights reserved for Fann Tashy. No part of this publication may be reproduced without permission from the author and the original distributor. Please contact your distributor for questions or comments.)

SOSPA:

If you’re like me, you tend to camp out beside your computer. A lot.

In this technology-wired era, who hasn’t used–or at least heard of–a computer? These days, the Internet is the norm, and anything not “connected” is outdated. But even the Information Age can’t escape capitalism’s opportunistic eyes, and despite the great gush of free materials becoming avaliable every day, some things never change.

Like the competition between mega-companies for our money.

If you’re like me, you must have heard of a few big names. Google, Microsoft, and Apple, just to name a few. The new gadgets they’re pushing out might seem confusing to some–come on, what is the point of having an App on your iPhone that simply makes the screen dark enough you can see your own reflection?–but the competition is fierce.

And boring

.So what if Firefox’s new browser offers privacy options so your pesky little sister can’t see what sites you go on (especially not the porn sites, I hope)? Google’s Chrome minimizes the amount of pixels–virtual blocks of imagination and binary–so your viewing space can be expanded by a line of text. And Internet Explorer just fixed one of its gazillion glitches (we’re jumping for joy at this, seriously).

So what if the new iPhone 3GS just came out, and now the battery life’s been extended to half a day, instead of three hours (probably what the 3 in 3G stood for in the first place)? The Palm Pre and RIM’s Blackberry are chasing its tail, despite their shares on Wall Street lagging behind.

So what if Microsoft came out with Bing, so now, instead of saying “let’s Google that,” we can (to the dreams of the team at Microsoft) say “let’s Bing that.” Facebook is hiding its collection of information away from all the search engines, so you could never find what Aunt Jemma’s secret ingredient for her chicken pot pies was anyway. (Although it probably isn’t a secret anymore, if she wrote on her wall “CH1CK3N P0T P13=US3 Ch1CK3N!!!11!”)

All of that is BORING. Come on. You and I both camp out at our computers. We’ve seen everything new technology has to offer. “Reload” and “refresh” really aren’t that different. Neither is having a blue cover instead of a black cover. Unless your entire room was in various shades of blue, I doubt it matters that much.

But something’s here to change all of that.

The limited edition of SOS-cheese.

You’re probably sitting in front of your computer, staring at the monitor, and going, “what?”

SOS–short for Saviour Operating System–isn’t some “next-generation” OS promoted by big-shot companies and featuring features that every other OS has (or has something similar) already. It’s designed by a group of dedicated people who fused their passion into what they see every day.

By now, you probably have a general idea of what I’m talking about. Yes, this new OS is entirely cheese-themed. Think about that! Instead of something boring like “Calculator” that just reminds you of your own discarded calculator somewhere in your attic, you have a nifty program called “Cheddar”. Input an equation into Cheddar, and you’ll get the solution, an option to explain how the solution was derived, and exporting options. All in a wonderfully delicious skin. Need to remove that red spot from Granma Sally’s eyes so she doesn’t look like an albino? Blue Cheese is there to help with expert tools to guide even the most novice photo editor into magazine-style success. Can’t figure out where the nearest supermarket is so you can buy groceries (or more cheese)? Go on Selva and search away.

Remember all of those complicated things you wanted to do, and all of those programs you bought or downloaded just so you could do them? Well, some memories are best kept in the past, and this is definitely one of them. With SOS, software of every type and category are already built into the OS, with no extra charge or hidden fees. And if there really is something you couldn’t find, there’s always the SOSForum where you can search for other users’ input or come up with your own add-on. There are a gazillion ways to customize your experience, without that many glitches.

If that still doesn’t satisfy your palette, there’s always the competitive pricing (and in this recession, that’s what everyone really cares about anyway), amazing personalized customer service, and nifty surprises throughout the system that makes your day-to-day computer stalking so much nicer. Plus the fact that it’s a limited edition item, perfect for bragging to your friends when they come over to “ooh” and “aah” over your new computer.

Besides, what better way for your stomach to protest when you’ve been sitting in front of the screen too long than to stare at gourmet cheese?

NB: An additional Lemonade Promo will be coming up as soon as I write it. Which, if you know me, might take quite some time.

x.

Event order:

1.Kuran starts a new world.
2.Her (ex?)boyfriend–Prescott–ditched her for a more insane girl–Syrena.
3.Kuran proves Prescott wrong. In the insanity way.
4.Catastrophe strikes (with an unknown and highly suspicious cause) and Syrena saves the day by dying.
5.Prescott goes emo*. Literally.
6.Kuran goes, maybe this is bad. Scratch that, this IS bad.
7.Too late.
8.Prescott disappears somewhere.
9.Kuran thinks, uh-oh.
9b.Kuran names various people (namely, the Svykanos, the Sakanets, the Deshenins, etc…) as NOBILITY. Oh-la-la. These people rule instead of her.
9c.Kuran goes MIMOPPT**.
10.THOUSANDS OF YEARS PASS.
11.Ciel saves his sister, Celeste, by–guess how?–dying. So morbid.
12.On the day Ciel dies, Prescott comes to live with Celeste and her younger sister, Syrena. Scandalous.
13.Prescott tells Syrena, let’s go attack the Svykanos since I think with my non-existent psychic powers that they’re going to attack us.
14.Syrena thinks, why not?
15.Prescott and Syrena (who doesn’t know of their previous relationship) goes off to Svykano-land, i.e. Anna Marie, Kaniol.
16.Syrena meets Keit, a Svykano.
16b.But they don’t know each others’ identity for a very long time.
17.Keit shows Syrena a cool sunset place.
18.Prescott is jealous.
19.Stuff happens here.***
20.MEANWHILE.
21.Rale, a DiGrant (also one of the oh-la-la nobility who doesn’t really do anything), spies on what’s left of Syrena’s family.
22.Rale sees Celeste. Guess what? They don’t know each others’ identity either.
23.Rale and Celeste thinks they fall in love with each other.
24.More stuff happens here.***
25.MEANWHILE.
26.Chronos Sakanet, Ceres DiGrant, and Cerule DiGrant (the latter two twins) are really good friends.
27.Chronos ditch the other two**** to join the Svykanos.
28.Cerule gets upset. Obviously. So he joins Syrena’s family.
29.Not much happens…
30.MEANWHILE.
31.Syrena plans to attack the Svykanos’ house.
31b.FINALLY.
32.Prescott tries to stop her but fails.
33.Syrena barges into the Svykano house and waves her weapon, a sword, around.
34.Keit stares at her. Awkwardly.
35.After a couple minutes of silence/philosophical talk, Keit pulls out a more technologically advanced weapon, a GUN.
36.Keit shoots at Syrena.
36b.Keit misses, because Prescott appears last-second-style and gets hit instead.
37.Prescott shouts at Syrena to run away and that he loves her while he dies.
38.Syrena runs away.
39.Keit, after everyone leaves/dies, regrets his actions.
40.Too late.
41.Keit holds a funeral for Prescott.
42.Syrena refused to go, but she went to the sunset place instead.
43.Syrena cries while the funeral music goes off, and her tears somehow destroys her ancient sword.*****
44.THE END.

*this is apparently not a word.
**Missing In Middle Of Pseudo-Political Term
***not mentioned due to the complexity of trivial events.
****guess he wasn’t so good of a friend after all.
*****it just works. don’t question it.

What one should learn as a economics major…

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Just wonderful.

Okay, I created this blog because sometimes, just sometimes, stuff happens. Like getting sick of emailing your friends over and over again, because you forgot to email everyone at once (and not because you forgot about them altogether).

Or when, you know, as the title suggests.

Since the hope is that at least basic Internet connection exists, a blog plus a link to a post will suffice in those horrible times. And who knows? Maybe it’ll live on from there.

Cookies appreciated but not necessary.

Cheesecakes bordering necessary.